🌱 From Silence to Strength: The Journey Toward Healthy Assertiveness

Being assertive is often misunderstood. It's not about being loud, aggressive, or pushy—it’s about being grounded in your sense of self and able to express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully.

But what happens when a person isn’t fully connected to their sense of self?

When there's uncertainty about one's inner worth or even doubt about the self's existence, it becomes extremely difficult to be assertive. Instead, people often fall into one of three patterns:

🔄 The Three Default Modes: Passive, Passive-Aggressive, and Aggressive

1. Passive:

   
   

   When someone doesn’t feel safe or worthy enough to speak, they may remain silent altogether. Their voice gets buried under layers of fear and self-doubt.

2. Passive-Aggressive:

   
   

   If a person is afraid of the consequences of open aggression, but still needs to express pain or frustration, it may leak out in indirect ways—sarcasm, subtle digs, avoidance, or sabotage.

3. Aggressive:

   
   

   If anger becomes strong enough to override fear, a person may lash out in an aggressive way—an attempt to reclaim power when the self feels threatened or invisible. But this reaction often comes at the cost of deeper shame and regret afterward.

⚖️ Why Only Assertiveness Leads to Lasting Empowerment

Aggression, passivity, and passive-aggression might offer short-term relief or a fleeting sense of control, but they do not lead to true recognition or respect. At best, they win a temporary illusion of power. More often, they reinforce cycles of shame, embarrassment, and guilt.

And shame is a fragile foundation on which no real confidence can be built.

🧒 The Son Who Doesn’t Know How to Ask: A Hidden Part of Us at the Seder

On Pesach night, we read about four sons, each representing a different kind of child. But we can also read them as four parts within ourselves—inner voices that show up at different times in our lives.

The third son, "she’eino yode’a lishol"—the one who doesn’t know how to ask—can be understood as that inner part of the self that never had the chance to fully develop.

This is the part that grew up in survival mode—too busy navigating pain, fear, or instability to ask even the most basic questions:

• Who am I?

• What do I need?

• Do I matter?

• Do I have a right to speak or feel?

And so, like this son, that part remains silent. It doesn’t know how to ask—but that doesn’t mean it feels nothing. It still knows discomfort, pain, confusion, and inadequacy. It simply hasn’t had the space, tools, or safety to express those feelings.

💬 “At p’tach lo” — You open for him.

The Haggadah teaches us how to respond:You open for him. You, the conscious, compassionate adult self, must take the initiative.

How?

You begin the conversation with your own silence, offering space and time and, through that, recognition.

You begin by gently:

Naming the sensation

Notice what you're feeling in your body.

Where is the tension, the numbness, or the ache?

What does it feel like—tight, heavy, frozen, hot?

Soothing it with presence

Don’t rush to fix or get rid of it.

Just be with it, like you would with a young child who’s crying.

Let it know: “You are not alone. I’m here with you.”

This creates an internal sense of safety and security.

Listening for a voice

Ask gently: “If this part of me could speak, what might it say?”

“What was it needing back then that it never received?”

“What would it have needed to begin developing a strong, secure self?”

Just like on Seder night, where we don’t wait for that son to ask but gently open for him to be included, we must learn to do the same inside ourselves.

We must make space for the parts of us that never spoke—not because they had nothing to say but because they never felt safe enough to try. They weren’t weak; they were surviving.

🌿 Now It’s Time to Thrive

When we approach these silent parts of ourselves with compassion, something profound begins to shift.

That small, unheard voice begins to feel seen. And in that seeing, a doorway to inner strength opens—not the strength of defensiveness or aggression, but the strength that comes from love, truth, and connection.

The kind of strength that was there all along—just waiting to be invited in.

🤝 You Deserve to Be Heard

Assertiveness is not about overpowering others—it’s about honoring yourself. And when you honor your voice with clarity and compassion, others will respond in kind.

Thank you for being part of this journey. If you have any questions or need further support, please reach out, and we can see if working with me will work for you 😉. Together, we can navigate the path to healing and growth.

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